Shall the Real Me Stand Up?
I’d like to answer a question I once posed: To what extent does one know oneself? Finally, I can answer, with a measure of confidence – that I know myself quite well. I look back to the past year as one of discovery and wonder for the year 2006 was when the real me came out of the closet that had been my home for almost half my life. It took patience, understanding and great commitment on the part of those who love me to help me make this journey of self-discovery, belated for sure but better late than never..
As I step out into the light and adjust my eyes to see the world, I shrug aside the self-consciousness and self-doubt that had been a part of me for so long, like hands clutching at me, keeping me back to where I felt safe. I was so afraid that I will not be acceptable to the world I live in, that I would adjust myself and adapt to suit people, circumstances and expectations. I thought so poorly of those who love me that I believed I had to make myself worthy of their love and respect by living up to expectations I assumed they had. I behaved the way I thought they wanted to gain their approval and love ; never giving credence to what I wanted or needed – believing that their needs and mine were one and the same. The real me was subsumed within a ‘self’ that was more palatable to those around me. Even then, I rebelled and now and then the real me would slip out and spoil everything or so I believed.
What was in my closet that I stayed in it for so long? A mess actually - stuffed haphazardly with painful memories of betrayal and pain; past joys and memories that held meaning only for me; incidents of crippling self-doubt and last but not least a bevy of examples of how the real me was the root cause of all my problems. Luckily, there were always voices calling out to me insistently, convincing me of their belief in me. The only problem was that I did not believe in myself enough to not just open the door, but to step out of the closet, then to actually turn around and clear the mess, before moving on.
It wasn’t as if I didn‘t want to or recognize the need to change. It was more that I did not believe that I could be recognized as worthy of love, commitment and acceptance - until a series of events which some may describe as ‘unfortunate’ but I see now as fortuitous. HE arranged it in such a way that I had to step out and slowly but surely reach out to the helping hands and voices who always believed in me and patiently cleared my closet even though I kept turning back to add to the mess. One voice in particular and a steadying hand gave me strength and I know now that prayers are indeed answered – unexpectedly, whimsically even, but answered nonetheless.
I know now that I am worthy of being loved as I truly am – no need to cater to assumed expectations. Those I love are made of sterner stuff than I thought. Everyone makes adjustments and adapt but they also recognize their own self-worth and strive to fulfill their needs. I no longer equate the needs of my children with mine for we are all different and they are individuals in their own right. I’m able to step back and look at those I love and myself objectively and act accordingly. By doing so, all of us benefit for I am a better mother, daughter and friend, at least in my eyes..! I still slip up and shoot myself in the foot but I also recover faster..
My family and my friends are precious to me but I’m subservient only to HIM. My work is just that - work – fulfillment comes from within – from feeling close to HIM… And while I forgive, it will be a long time before I can forget. I recognize my limits but I give myself leeway to feel forgotten emotions, to savour and discover new experiences, concepts, ideas and knowledge. I try not to assume – I find out first-hand if it’s possible. At the same time I try to look beyond the literal and triangulate before I conclude.
Now I stand tall and look forward to the light that bathes my world, soothes my spirit and feeds my passion to live my life for HIM for in doing so I am fulfilled. I do realise that like climbing a staircase, I may slip and fall a few steps but as long as I keep heading upwards and stop looking backwards, with HIS Grace and Blessing, I will make it.
KS, u helped me find my voice and myself… words of gratitude will always be inadequate..
15 January 2007
As I step out into the light and adjust my eyes to see the world, I shrug aside the self-consciousness and self-doubt that had been a part of me for so long, like hands clutching at me, keeping me back to where I felt safe. I was so afraid that I will not be acceptable to the world I live in, that I would adjust myself and adapt to suit people, circumstances and expectations. I thought so poorly of those who love me that I believed I had to make myself worthy of their love and respect by living up to expectations I assumed they had. I behaved the way I thought they wanted to gain their approval and love ; never giving credence to what I wanted or needed – believing that their needs and mine were one and the same. The real me was subsumed within a ‘self’ that was more palatable to those around me. Even then, I rebelled and now and then the real me would slip out and spoil everything or so I believed.
What was in my closet that I stayed in it for so long? A mess actually - stuffed haphazardly with painful memories of betrayal and pain; past joys and memories that held meaning only for me; incidents of crippling self-doubt and last but not least a bevy of examples of how the real me was the root cause of all my problems. Luckily, there were always voices calling out to me insistently, convincing me of their belief in me. The only problem was that I did not believe in myself enough to not just open the door, but to step out of the closet, then to actually turn around and clear the mess, before moving on.
It wasn’t as if I didn‘t want to or recognize the need to change. It was more that I did not believe that I could be recognized as worthy of love, commitment and acceptance - until a series of events which some may describe as ‘unfortunate’ but I see now as fortuitous. HE arranged it in such a way that I had to step out and slowly but surely reach out to the helping hands and voices who always believed in me and patiently cleared my closet even though I kept turning back to add to the mess. One voice in particular and a steadying hand gave me strength and I know now that prayers are indeed answered – unexpectedly, whimsically even, but answered nonetheless.
I know now that I am worthy of being loved as I truly am – no need to cater to assumed expectations. Those I love are made of sterner stuff than I thought. Everyone makes adjustments and adapt but they also recognize their own self-worth and strive to fulfill their needs. I no longer equate the needs of my children with mine for we are all different and they are individuals in their own right. I’m able to step back and look at those I love and myself objectively and act accordingly. By doing so, all of us benefit for I am a better mother, daughter and friend, at least in my eyes..! I still slip up and shoot myself in the foot but I also recover faster..
My family and my friends are precious to me but I’m subservient only to HIM. My work is just that - work – fulfillment comes from within – from feeling close to HIM… And while I forgive, it will be a long time before I can forget. I recognize my limits but I give myself leeway to feel forgotten emotions, to savour and discover new experiences, concepts, ideas and knowledge. I try not to assume – I find out first-hand if it’s possible. At the same time I try to look beyond the literal and triangulate before I conclude.
Now I stand tall and look forward to the light that bathes my world, soothes my spirit and feeds my passion to live my life for HIM for in doing so I am fulfilled. I do realise that like climbing a staircase, I may slip and fall a few steps but as long as I keep heading upwards and stop looking backwards, with HIS Grace and Blessing, I will make it.
KS, u helped me find my voice and myself… words of gratitude will always be inadequate..
15 January 2007
posted by pearlyrose @ 5:54 AM
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